There wasn't anything conclusive for Charity. I have no words or any inclination to any decision as I feel rather helpless on what's going on. All I know it's that I am really missing Jaekan a lot and he also felt it. I stopped bathing him, played w him little and stopped carrying him. I kiss and hug him a lot, and I am happy that I could spend see him and spend time differently but nobody will ever understand how much I have weaved myself into his sole caregiver and his mother. Even though I used to not like to bathe him cause he makes me very wet and I also don't like chasing after him. But I actually miss all that. He wants me to carry him all the time now and I know he will lie on me and suck his thumb. But now, I can't. I am so used to do everything...all the household chores. My place is not clean or neat but I try my best. I think it's not fair to expect Jon to do everything. Already, he felt stressed dealing w me and everything. Anyway tonight, I just want to say SORRY to Jaekan. Mummy misses you a lot, missed carrying you and missed doing everything for you. I know when I did all these for you, it meant a lot to you or you wouldn't protest when others try to take over my role when I am around. I am so SAD. I may even need to place you more at childcare next week which I will be very very sad cause I pride myself for spending all the time I can with you, bringing you to special play places and teaching you all that I can. 

I am sad. I don't know what to pray. I dislike your daddy for saying that you will be taken away from me so that I can rest. He doesn't know that threat, that authoritative voice, that sickening threat hurt me so badly. To me, even if he meant well for me and Charity, I just reject it in my mind. I can and will learn to take care of myself and to give you the love and attention at the same time. 

Even Jon didn't say nor the church said, they all stresses me up by just praying for Charity. Jon kept talking about the child. About the child. About the child. I actually feel bitter, I am sorry. No attention is given to my well being. I am the crucial key to keep the child alive. I know I am a mother...but perhaps at this point, I am just feeling selfish. I worked so hard for the family, I been through a fair bit with Jon's antics and finally I wanted to think about myself and get myself back...something came in. Everyone expected me to raise above myself and everybody expects me to just keep the child alive. That's how I feel. My mother in law without my permission share with a few people. Not that I mind, I just find that it's a personal matter, I prefer to choose who should know or even at least ask me. My husband "accidentally" told the church and now he regularly update them. I know we need prayers, not that I mind, but ASK ME FIRST. It's a everyday matter. I feel victimized and I do feel greatly misunderstood. When I told Jon how u felt about all the blood tests and hormones jabs, he compared with his dengue. Normal days-fine. I am not feeling normal and don't really like the jabs. I know I sounded selfish here but i am just in a bad state. Spare me from all the explanation. Spare me from telling me baby will etc etc...the Lord impress upon whoever heart...spare me from telling you how I feel. Please. Let me and I know I will wake up and still accept and be as motherly to Charity as to Jaekan. I surely am.