A post dedicated to bed rest and Charity.
Charity is one of the names I like and I thought about giving it to my daughter if Jon agrees and of course nobody really protests. Now, I think nobody will even bother or say anything. I think I am in the mid of miscarrying a child. I cannot tell if this is an abnormal pregnancy...but does matter anyway? I just couldn't keep the child to no fault of anyone. I decided if I really lost the child, I named her (if it might be a him) as Charity.
I had a good and smooth pregnancy with Jaekan, of course there were fears but thank God everything went through well. This time, honestly, I wasn't thinking of getting pregnant but I know if I am, I should be ready. I thought I had the usual menses on 28th June but it wasn't very usual. There were not fresh red blood but reddish, brownish blood and it came a little daily. I had no other symptoms. Pregnancy did come to my mind but it was also my usual menses week. Then by the 8th day, I just thought this menses came too long. Then I had cramps like how I might have on menses day 01. I just went to rest thinking that I exhausted myself bringing Jaekan out. Then on the 9th day, I was bleeding more and cramps got worst. By the time I came back home from work with Jaekan, I had quite a lot of pain and I thought I was gg to faint. I went to doc and she did a pregnancy test indicating that I might be pregnant but it was threatening. I went to hospital and they confirmed it.
Everything wasn't positive because I was bleeding. I was given jabs and also meds to help the womb but I was still bleeding alittle. I discharged the next day to bedrest at home. My mother in law and mom initial response was " u guys didn't take precaution? Jaekan is young and we are financially strained...etc" the emotion didn't come immediately but it was gradually hurting me as it echoes in my mind. I wouldn't fault them for their concern on practical matters for us but that point when I was bleeding, confused, cramps and well, "first time in this" just pierce my heart. I think they simply have forgotten about me, going through this and Jon, who is equally sad and tired.
It was contradicting. My thoughts. I missed taking care of Jaekan a lot and I think he felt it cause I couldn't bathe, feed or carry him at all. He was throwing more tantrums than usual. I didn't like it if I have to put him in childcare while I might have to stay on bed a long time if pregnancy persist n becomes difficult. Yet, I know it's selfish to think about it like that cause I m thinking about Jaekan and not Charity. But is Charity meant to be in my arms?
I will know tomorrow but I will thank a God no matter what. I will not blame myself or others or even allow anyone to blame me or Jon in this. I think I perhaps need to explain to them that it's really MY (Jon and me) LOST and not relief or their lost that the child maybe gone. I don't care if it's abnormal pregnancy which it can be. But all I know it's that's Charity. I chose to personalize her//him.
If he/she is saved, I promise that I will take care of myself and not let my motherly desires over Jaekan rob that of Charity. Of course vice versa. I will know it tomorrow.
