Friday, July 18, 2014
Dear Charity, I am sorry that my tubes were perhaps narrow or whatever that is happening..you could have been a normal child and I will name you Charity if you are a girl. They took you out, just a sac but nothing was possibly form due to the ectopic nature of the pregnancy. God has been good because He saved me. It just like I was given so many warning signs and God has delayed the sac to burst in my body. Also throughout, I was not in great pain. Some pain, yes..but it was manageable. Throughout the process, I felt closer to your daddy whom I distanced for quite some time and of course, your brother, Jaekan whom I was super close to, I guess I have to break myself from him. Though very reluctantly, I have to let go. Perhaps, God is also teaching me to trust in Him and also marvel at His timing and healing.
4 weeks ago, I was bleeding browish blood spots and i thought I was having my period since it was time. Then, one Sunday, I brought Jaekan to botanic gardens and had bad aches and cramps. I rested. On Monday I think first week of July, I went to work as usual..came bk home with cramps that almost cause me to faint. I immediately ask Jon to come bk home despite of wanting him to really work hard. I didn't feel that way before. I was asked to take pregnancy test and was faintly positive and I was sent to accident and emergency immediately. Then i was hospitalized for observation to see if it's ectopic. Dr Gordon lim was a mistake by the nurse and threatened miscarriage was the diagnosis. We saw him again and wasn't given any clear answers as my pregnancy hormones went up. I was also bleeding and he says if miscarriage, just let it bleed etc. we decided to go bk to Dr Gordon tan. He was assuring and wanted to play safe. I took a lot tests, jabs etc. total: 3 hormones jabs, 5 blood tests, more pocking on drips both right and left hand...we are almost concluding to do a D&C but somehow we sensed something else. I was worried that I ovulated late and will kill Charity if he clears my womb. We went bk on Wednesday, thank God not Thursday...and found that I was bleeding internally outside my uterus and it was an emergency. I was sent to the operating theatre right away and was cut to remove the fetus in my tubes. It was very traumatizing for me! I cried and was an emotional mess because it's my first time in the operating theatre and first operation. Jon was throughout loving and patient towards me. Dr Gordon too. I was comforted to have him as my doctor. He said lightheartedly but reassuringly " don't worry dawn. I am going to save your ovaries and it's not painful. " I replied him" Dr Gordon, you have done it many times but it's my first time of course I am scared." He smiled and said " that's true". I knew I could trust God and trust Dr. I committed everything into His hands and went into deep sleep while Dr cut cut me.
GA indeed made someone really googy. I vomited. I didn't eat anything for a day on my operation and 2nd day, they didn't allow me to eat. I didn't for almost 2 days and survived on plain water. I vomitted the 2 slips of ginger tea and milo....sigh. The one comfort I love-eating, milo are all taken from me. The 3 tubes inserted in me is also very uncomfortable. My whole body ache since I couldn't get down at all. I could only mainly lie down. My butt developed rashes in result of that. I have an active butt. I was restless.
I didn't pray much during these 3 weeks. Honestly, I didn't know what to pray. I only prayed in desperate and think I should pray moments. But God was merciful. He really is. He could have not saved me since I was so unfaithful. But a God isn't petty. Thank you God for saving me and for this experience.
4 weeks ago, I was bleeding browish blood spots and i thought I was having my period since it was time. Then, one Sunday, I brought Jaekan to botanic gardens and had bad aches and cramps. I rested. On Monday I think first week of July, I went to work as usual..came bk home with cramps that almost cause me to faint. I immediately ask Jon to come bk home despite of wanting him to really work hard. I didn't feel that way before. I was asked to take pregnancy test and was faintly positive and I was sent to accident and emergency immediately. Then i was hospitalized for observation to see if it's ectopic. Dr Gordon lim was a mistake by the nurse and threatened miscarriage was the diagnosis. We saw him again and wasn't given any clear answers as my pregnancy hormones went up. I was also bleeding and he says if miscarriage, just let it bleed etc. we decided to go bk to Dr Gordon tan. He was assuring and wanted to play safe. I took a lot tests, jabs etc. total: 3 hormones jabs, 5 blood tests, more pocking on drips both right and left hand...we are almost concluding to do a D&C but somehow we sensed something else. I was worried that I ovulated late and will kill Charity if he clears my womb. We went bk on Wednesday, thank God not Thursday...and found that I was bleeding internally outside my uterus and it was an emergency. I was sent to the operating theatre right away and was cut to remove the fetus in my tubes. It was very traumatizing for me! I cried and was an emotional mess because it's my first time in the operating theatre and first operation. Jon was throughout loving and patient towards me. Dr Gordon too. I was comforted to have him as my doctor. He said lightheartedly but reassuringly " don't worry dawn. I am going to save your ovaries and it's not painful. " I replied him" Dr Gordon, you have done it many times but it's my first time of course I am scared." He smiled and said " that's true". I knew I could trust God and trust Dr. I committed everything into His hands and went into deep sleep while Dr cut cut me.
GA indeed made someone really googy. I vomited. I didn't eat anything for a day on my operation and 2nd day, they didn't allow me to eat. I didn't for almost 2 days and survived on plain water. I vomitted the 2 slips of ginger tea and milo....sigh. The one comfort I love-eating, milo are all taken from me. The 3 tubes inserted in me is also very uncomfortable. My whole body ache since I couldn't get down at all. I could only mainly lie down. My butt developed rashes in result of that. I have an active butt. I was restless.
I didn't pray much during these 3 weeks. Honestly, I didn't know what to pray. I only prayed in desperate and think I should pray moments. But God was merciful. He really is. He could have not saved me since I was so unfaithful. But a God isn't petty. Thank you God for saving me and for this experience.
i'm leaving at ;
7:27 AM;
7:27 AM;
Friday, July 11, 2014
There wasn't anything conclusive for Charity. I have no words or any inclination to any decision as I feel rather helpless on what's going on. All I know it's that I am really missing Jaekan a lot and he also felt it. I stopped bathing him, played w him little and stopped carrying him. I kiss and hug him a lot, and I am happy that I could spend see him and spend time differently but nobody will ever understand how much I have weaved myself into his sole caregiver and his mother. Even though I used to not like to bathe him cause he makes me very wet and I also don't like chasing after him. But I actually miss all that. He wants me to carry him all the time now and I know he will lie on me and suck his thumb. But now, I can't. I am so used to do everything...all the household chores. My place is not clean or neat but I try my best. I think it's not fair to expect Jon to do everything. Already, he felt stressed dealing w me and everything. Anyway tonight, I just want to say SORRY to Jaekan. Mummy misses you a lot, missed carrying you and missed doing everything for you. I know when I did all these for you, it meant a lot to you or you wouldn't protest when others try to take over my role when I am around. I am so SAD. I may even need to place you more at childcare next week which I will be very very sad cause I pride myself for spending all the time I can with you, bringing you to special play places and teaching you all that I can.
I am sad. I don't know what to pray. I dislike your daddy for saying that you will be taken away from me so that I can rest. He doesn't know that threat, that authoritative voice, that sickening threat hurt me so badly. To me, even if he meant well for me and Charity, I just reject it in my mind. I can and will learn to take care of myself and to give you the love and attention at the same time.
Even Jon didn't say nor the church said, they all stresses me up by just praying for Charity. Jon kept talking about the child. About the child. About the child. I actually feel bitter, I am sorry. No attention is given to my well being. I am the crucial key to keep the child alive. I know I am a mother...but perhaps at this point, I am just feeling selfish. I worked so hard for the family, I been through a fair bit with Jon's antics and finally I wanted to think about myself and get myself back...something came in. Everyone expected me to raise above myself and everybody expects me to just keep the child alive. That's how I feel. My mother in law without my permission share with a few people. Not that I mind, I just find that it's a personal matter, I prefer to choose who should know or even at least ask me. My husband "accidentally" told the church and now he regularly update them. I know we need prayers, not that I mind, but ASK ME FIRST. It's a everyday matter. I feel victimized and I do feel greatly misunderstood. When I told Jon how u felt about all the blood tests and hormones jabs, he compared with his dengue. Normal days-fine. I am not feeling normal and don't really like the jabs. I know I sounded selfish here but i am just in a bad state. Spare me from all the explanation. Spare me from telling me baby will etc etc...the Lord impress upon whoever heart...spare me from telling you how I feel. Please. Let me and I know I will wake up and still accept and be as motherly to Charity as to Jaekan. I surely am.
i'm leaving at ;
8:48 AM;
8:48 AM;
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
A post dedicated to bed rest and Charity.
Charity is one of the names I like and I thought about giving it to my daughter if Jon agrees and of course nobody really protests. Now, I think nobody will even bother or say anything. I think I am in the mid of miscarrying a child. I cannot tell if this is an abnormal pregnancy...but does matter anyway? I just couldn't keep the child to no fault of anyone. I decided if I really lost the child, I named her (if it might be a him) as Charity.
I had a good and smooth pregnancy with Jaekan, of course there were fears but thank God everything went through well. This time, honestly, I wasn't thinking of getting pregnant but I know if I am, I should be ready. I thought I had the usual menses on 28th June but it wasn't very usual. There were not fresh red blood but reddish, brownish blood and it came a little daily. I had no other symptoms. Pregnancy did come to my mind but it was also my usual menses week. Then by the 8th day, I just thought this menses came too long. Then I had cramps like how I might have on menses day 01. I just went to rest thinking that I exhausted myself bringing Jaekan out. Then on the 9th day, I was bleeding more and cramps got worst. By the time I came back home from work with Jaekan, I had quite a lot of pain and I thought I was gg to faint. I went to doc and she did a pregnancy test indicating that I might be pregnant but it was threatening. I went to hospital and they confirmed it.
Everything wasn't positive because I was bleeding. I was given jabs and also meds to help the womb but I was still bleeding alittle. I discharged the next day to bedrest at home. My mother in law and mom initial response was " u guys didn't take precaution? Jaekan is young and we are financially strained...etc" the emotion didn't come immediately but it was gradually hurting me as it echoes in my mind. I wouldn't fault them for their concern on practical matters for us but that point when I was bleeding, confused, cramps and well, "first time in this" just pierce my heart. I think they simply have forgotten about me, going through this and Jon, who is equally sad and tired.
It was contradicting. My thoughts. I missed taking care of Jaekan a lot and I think he felt it cause I couldn't bathe, feed or carry him at all. He was throwing more tantrums than usual. I didn't like it if I have to put him in childcare while I might have to stay on bed a long time if pregnancy persist n becomes difficult. Yet, I know it's selfish to think about it like that cause I m thinking about Jaekan and not Charity. But is Charity meant to be in my arms?
I will know tomorrow but I will thank a God no matter what. I will not blame myself or others or even allow anyone to blame me or Jon in this. I think I perhaps need to explain to them that it's really MY (Jon and me) LOST and not relief or their lost that the child maybe gone. I don't care if it's abnormal pregnancy which it can be. But all I know it's that's Charity. I chose to personalize her//him.
If he/she is saved, I promise that I will take care of myself and not let my motherly desires over Jaekan rob that of Charity. Of course vice versa. I will know it tomorrow.
Charity is one of the names I like and I thought about giving it to my daughter if Jon agrees and of course nobody really protests. Now, I think nobody will even bother or say anything. I think I am in the mid of miscarrying a child. I cannot tell if this is an abnormal pregnancy...but does matter anyway? I just couldn't keep the child to no fault of anyone. I decided if I really lost the child, I named her (if it might be a him) as Charity.
I had a good and smooth pregnancy with Jaekan, of course there were fears but thank God everything went through well. This time, honestly, I wasn't thinking of getting pregnant but I know if I am, I should be ready. I thought I had the usual menses on 28th June but it wasn't very usual. There were not fresh red blood but reddish, brownish blood and it came a little daily. I had no other symptoms. Pregnancy did come to my mind but it was also my usual menses week. Then by the 8th day, I just thought this menses came too long. Then I had cramps like how I might have on menses day 01. I just went to rest thinking that I exhausted myself bringing Jaekan out. Then on the 9th day, I was bleeding more and cramps got worst. By the time I came back home from work with Jaekan, I had quite a lot of pain and I thought I was gg to faint. I went to doc and she did a pregnancy test indicating that I might be pregnant but it was threatening. I went to hospital and they confirmed it.
Everything wasn't positive because I was bleeding. I was given jabs and also meds to help the womb but I was still bleeding alittle. I discharged the next day to bedrest at home. My mother in law and mom initial response was " u guys didn't take precaution? Jaekan is young and we are financially strained...etc" the emotion didn't come immediately but it was gradually hurting me as it echoes in my mind. I wouldn't fault them for their concern on practical matters for us but that point when I was bleeding, confused, cramps and well, "first time in this" just pierce my heart. I think they simply have forgotten about me, going through this and Jon, who is equally sad and tired.
It was contradicting. My thoughts. I missed taking care of Jaekan a lot and I think he felt it cause I couldn't bathe, feed or carry him at all. He was throwing more tantrums than usual. I didn't like it if I have to put him in childcare while I might have to stay on bed a long time if pregnancy persist n becomes difficult. Yet, I know it's selfish to think about it like that cause I m thinking about Jaekan and not Charity. But is Charity meant to be in my arms?
I will know tomorrow but I will thank a God no matter what. I will not blame myself or others or even allow anyone to blame me or Jon in this. I think I perhaps need to explain to them that it's really MY (Jon and me) LOST and not relief or their lost that the child maybe gone. I don't care if it's abnormal pregnancy which it can be. But all I know it's that's Charity. I chose to personalize her//him.
If he/she is saved, I promise that I will take care of myself and not let my motherly desires over Jaekan rob that of Charity. Of course vice versa. I will know it tomorrow.
i'm leaving at ;
11:03 PM;
11:03 PM;
There wouldn't be a lot of difference I guess when he reaches 2 just that, he will probably learn to speak more which I am looking forward to hear his thoughts finally. Am looking forward to it!
These past months, there are many drastic changes. I think there is nothing that a toddler wouldn't be during his growing up years. Initially I thought Jaekan's should be a mild tempered, not very strong will child and he hardly cry a lot too. But as he grows, he simply also rolled on the floor, screamed, hit and had long tantrums sessions w me especially. I don't think I spoilt him but I think he knows that I love him and everything. I do spank him when he disobey, but I haven't spank for him for his tantrums yet. I still figuring him out .
Jaekan's love for music is just so evident. He sings to his own words and tune...plays the guitar likes he really know how! I am amazed by his talent and interest, and will definitely try to develop this area. I wouldn't talk much about milestones as I find that every child is different and they will certainly do and speak at their own time with of course, environment plays a part too. I am just thankful that Jaekan is Jaekan. I love him for who he is and will be regardless of whatever tantrums or growing thingy he can become. We are all like that and still growing up by the way!
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| There is a phase that he likes to take his clothes off esp in the public!! |
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| Haha. Amusing him while I am to shop or he will fuss. |
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| Learning keyboard from ms angela! He LOVES music of all kinds |
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| Jaekan at 20 months. |
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| He is so active all the time that I am so tired! |
i'm leaving at ;
10:30 PM;
10:30 PM;