Love After the Wedding


On a recent flight a man asked what kind of work I do. When I told him marriage counseling and marriage enrichment seminars, he said: "I've been wanting to ask someone like you - what happens to love after you get married?" He told me that he had been married three times. Each time it had been wonderful before the wedding, but shortly after - the honeymoon was definitely over!
Does marriage destroy love? Not at all! But if love isn't nurtured, it will die a natural death whether you're married or still dating. Sometimes it's a call just to say, "I love you." A note tucked in a briefcase. A special dinner after a long hard week. Don't let anyone tell you differently - it is the little things that count!

1. The secret to keeping a marriage alive isn't in "getting love" - it's in "giving love!"The desire for romantic love is deeply rooted in our psychological makeup. Almost every popular magazine has at least one article on keeping love alive in a marriage. So why is it so few couples seem to have found the secret to a lasting loving after the wedding? I convinced it's because we concentrate on "getting love" rather than "giving love."

As long as you focus on what your spouse should be doing for you; you'll come across as condemning and critical. How about a different approach? One that says, "What can I do to help you? How can I make your life easier? How could I be a better wife or husband? Giving love! It'll keep your marriage alive.

2. Romantic love doesn't last forever - but it does get better!Romantic love actually has two phases. We hear a lot about the first phase - that incredible "falling in love" stage. It's exciting. Life has never been better. But, what we often fail to realize is that the average "life-span" of that kind of euphoric love is about two years.

The kind of love that'll make your marriage last is what I call "covenant" love. It's a love based on the commitment you made to each other at the marriage altar. It's not just overpowering passion or emotion. It's a choice you make every day to do something to enrich the life of your spouse. And as you do, your spouse will experience your love and typically reciprocate. It is the small acts of love that keeps romance in the marriage.

3. Learn to speak your spouse's "love language" - it'll keep love alive long after the wedding! Of course you didn't get married to be miserable. You were "in love" and you intended to love each other forever. So what happened? It's not that you were insincere. But just maybe you expected love to go on without effort. The truth is, that "in love" experience doesn't last very long after the ceremony is over and real life sets in.

Once you come down off the emotional high, you must choose to express love in ways that are meaningful to your spouse. We tend to express love in ways that are meaningful to us. She wants anniversaries to be a special occasion - every year! He has to be reminded it is his anniversary! Learn to speak your spouse's "love language" - it'll keep love alive long after the wedding!

4. After thirty years of being a marriage counselor, I'm convinced there are five ways we speak and understand emotional love. Do you know the five love languages? They are: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. And, you have a primary love language. One of the five speaks to you more deeply than the other four. Seldom do a husband and wife will have the same love language. We tend to speak our own language. So, we completely miss each other. Oh we're sincere. We're even expressing love, but we're not connecting emotionally. Sound familiar? Love doesn't need to diminish after the wedding. But if you're going to keep it alive, you need to learn a new language. And that takes discipline and practice - but the reward is a lasting deeply committed relationship.

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