I haven't been very happy lately. In fact, I feel a little lonely. I dont really know what happened or why, but maybe because I think there is abit of uncertainty pertaining the new job, parenting-blues-facing the daily tantrums and also missing-ME out. I didn't really want to think about all the negativity and of course, there are definitely many things I am thankful about.

Parenting is truly a reflection of yourself. When you look at your child, there are times where you think you are holding a mirror. And, parenting challenges the beliefs of two persons and being firm of what you think its right for your child at this point of time. Parenting is to admit that you are quite clueless about what to do at most times yet knowing that the principle is that you love your child too much for him to grow into a brat. (and you get the pay-back ten times more) Yet in everything, you must make sure your child knows that he/she is valued, precious and love more than anyone in this world.

Parenting Jaekan aren't easy. I come to know him as affectionate, expressive, needs affirmation/comfort ++ and values relationships. And, he is also sensitive and emotional. I found that he will hold a grudge if I discipline him one occasion, and he becomes particularly sensitive after that until he knows that he is loved, accepted and comforted again. (it means to him that i talked to him patiently even if he threw a tantrum) I really find it hard because it really tests my patience (i am very impatient) and also often cracked my head on how I could communicate love and yet boundaries at the same time. I spank, I counted 1-3, I give time-outs (mainly for myself not to respond to his tantrums) and I sat him down to talk once he is calm. Yet, he on many occasions still row and threw tantrums. Not just that, i have to manage people who think spanking lots works or giving him alots of attention/love works. I pray that his Terrible Twos will just mellow and maturity will set in abit more. I don't demand instant obedience and I only hope that there will be more understanding or yes, no rolling on the floor. (I HATE THAT)

As usual, we are facing financial difficulties as Jon is finding a new job. The delivery didn't work out. Though i couldn't really say anything about what has happened..I feel bitter because I missed out alot  of beautying myself but I didn't have money, didn't dare to spend pending whats happening. I miss out the times myself-the shopping, the hair/facials treatments and so on. Perhaps, I chose Part time employment, and hence, the sacrifices. But, i made the choice. I cannot and shouldn't think about the sacrifices at all.

Putting everything aside, I am thankful that Jon and Jaekan are safe. Alot worse could have happened. Jon could have even gotten into heavy injuries during those car accidents. Jaekan could have been alot worse. He is still very lovely despite of all the silly things that he has done. I am thankful I get to witness his growth and also made the choice to do that. I am thankful that I am given the opportunity to teach him and show him the beautiful things in the world. We laughed together, we tickled, we hug and we kiss good nights. =)

i'm leaving at ;
9:27 PM;

Its a long awaited post that i just wanted to record these feelings. I feel lazy at most nights after Jaekan is asleep just to blog or reflect on my feelings and things happening though its needful especially for someone like me who used to write a diary. Anyway, 2014 has been a challenging year. Not just i noticed i became negative and constantly vent it out, i suck at work and home-front too. I was also pregnant but it was ectopic and well, doc has to take it out. I was also rather sick towards end of the year with a bad fever 39 for 5 days and a persistent cough for a few weeks. Not to mention haze period coughs and sleepless nights. My frustrations was also mainly due to the moody hubs who just entered insurance and he was really stressed and touchy.

Though all down (even spiritually), God has been faithful. He shown himself faithful during our Church camp, He bless me with a church and friends, He provided during down times and above all, i praised Him even for my ectopic pregnancy. I think He saved me. We  were confused over what was actually happening inside me when my pregnancy hormones kept increasing and baby cannot be found. Jon believed that i was pregnant and did not want me to go back to the doc and just let the baby grow. I didn't know what to do. It was good that we returned to the doctor because that day i did, i think i could have died of internal bleeding and bad pain if i didn't. Fetus gg to explore in my tubes. Imagine that! Anyway God is sooooo GOOD.

I am not good in writing blogs now. I just kept rattling on..but who cares..no one really bother reading my blog. Anyway, i just want to record my feelings and thoughts. thats all.

i'm leaving at ;
12:15 AM;

"May our Almighty God show us today how to live in the security of His shadow, rather than in shadowy fears of our own making."-taken from daily bread

‘If you stay in this land, I will build you up and not tear you down; I will plant you and not uproot you, for I have relented concerning the disaster I have inflicted on you. 11 Do not be afraid of the king of Babylon, whom you now fear. Do not be afraid of him, declares the Lord, for I am with you and will save you and deliver you from his hands. 12 I will show you compassion so that he will have compassion on you and restore you to your land.’-Jeremiah 42:10-12

After being in the social service for some time, i seen a few families of misfortune or even a series of hardship that perhaps i never really see in my daily life. Credit card debts (its a frightening tool that i feel that cutting myself off but we just sign a few instalment plan for our new home), accidents (that can really cause physical disability), broken relationships, illness/diseases, mental health issues (that goes in cycles that looked that it can never been broken). I realized God's protection upon me, Jon and Jaekan + our families. He has been ever so gracious and I felt my little struggles so little. But at the same time, i do fear. I do fear about the uncertainties that can hit anyone. I fear about the evil credit card. (thank God we have no bank loans) I fear for the emotional/mental/physical health of Jon as he is our sole breadwinner. These are real fears. I start thinking about how i can plan for the future, how i can create a safety net for myself and Jaekan.......(all these planning is good..) 
Well, at the end of day, i cannot rely on all my planning nor live in such fears. Fears does not come from the Lord. It rob my trust in Him, or my ability to live in His security. It robs me from my Joy. It just made me smaller, weaker and NOT in Jesus. 
I decided to rebuke these fears (not that we don't expect uncertainties and that we expect all time prosperity) but these fears are not of the Lord. We live in Jesus and certainty trust Him that He will be our source of help, strength and provision in terms of need. The Lord is my shepherd and I shall not be in want.

i'm leaving at ;
10:02 PM;

Lord I come to You
Let my heart be changed, renewed
Flowing from the grace
That I found in You.
And Lord I've come to know
The weaknesses I see in me
Will be stripped away
By the power of Your love.

Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near
Draw me to Your side.
And as I wait
I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your Spirit leads me on
In the power of Your love.

Lord unveil my eyes
Let me see You face to face
The knowledge of Your love
As You live in me.
Lord renew my mind
As Your will unfolds in my life
In living every day
by the power of Your love.

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9:35 PM;

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11:33 PM;

Dear Charity, I am sorry that my tubes were perhaps narrow or whatever that is happening..you could have been a normal child and I will name you Charity if you are a girl. They took you out, just a sac but nothing was possibly form due to the ectopic nature of the pregnancy. God has been good because He saved me. It just like I was given so many warning signs and God has delayed the sac to burst in my body. Also throughout, I was not in great pain. Some pain, yes..but it was manageable. Throughout the process, I felt closer to your daddy whom I distanced for quite some time and of course, your brother, Jaekan whom I was super close to, I guess I have to break myself from him. Though very reluctantly, I have to let go. Perhaps, God is also teaching me to trust in Him and also marvel at His timing and healing.

4 weeks ago, I was bleeding browish blood spots and i thought I was having my period since it was time. Then, one Sunday, I brought Jaekan to botanic gardens and had bad aches and cramps. I rested. On Monday I think first week of July, I went to work as usual..came bk home with cramps that almost cause me to faint. I immediately ask Jon to come bk home despite of wanting him to really work hard. I didn't feel that way before. I was asked to take pregnancy test and was faintly positive and I was sent to accident and emergency immediately. Then i was hospitalized for observation to see if it's ectopic. Dr Gordon lim was a mistake by the nurse and threatened miscarriage was the diagnosis. We saw him again and wasn't given any clear answers as my pregnancy hormones went up.   I was also bleeding and he says if miscarriage, just let it bleed etc. we decided to go bk to Dr Gordon tan. He was assuring and wanted to play safe. I took a lot tests, jabs etc. total: 3 hormones jabs, 5 blood tests, more pocking on drips both right and left hand...we are almost concluding to do a D&C but somehow we sensed something else. I was worried that I ovulated late and will kill Charity if he clears my womb. We went bk on Wednesday, thank God not Thursday...and found that I was bleeding internally outside my uterus and it was an emergency. I was sent to the operating theatre right away and was cut to remove the fetus in my tubes. It was very traumatizing for me! I cried and was an emotional mess because it's my first time in the operating theatre and first operation. Jon was throughout loving and patient towards me. Dr Gordon too. I was comforted to have him as my doctor.  He said lightheartedly but reassuringly " don't worry dawn. I am going to save your ovaries and it's not painful. " I replied him" Dr Gordon, you have done it many times but it's my first time of course I am scared." He smiled and said " that's true". I knew I could trust God and trust Dr. I committed everything into His hands and went into deep sleep while Dr cut cut me.

GA indeed made someone really googy. I vomited. I didn't eat anything for a day on my operation and 2nd day, they didn't allow me to eat. I didn't for almost 2 days and survived on plain water. I vomitted the 2 slips of ginger tea and milo....sigh. The one comfort I love-eating, milo are all taken from me. The 3 tubes inserted in me is also very uncomfortable. My whole body ache since I couldn't get down at all. I could only mainly lie down. My butt developed rashes in result of that. I have an active butt. I was restless.

I didn't pray much during these 3 weeks. Honestly, I didn't know what to pray. I only prayed in desperate and think I should pray moments. But God was merciful. He really is. He could have not saved me since I was so unfaithful. But a God isn't petty. Thank you God for saving me and for this experience.

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7:27 AM;

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